African american love mr relationship right search sex young. Can parents decide your choice of a spouse?.



African american love mr relationship right search sex young

African american love mr relationship right search sex young

I spoke with a few on my most recent trip there and discovered that they, despite exposure to liberal ideals, have held firm to traditions I thought would have fallen away by now. I was surprised by conversations I had with my cousins and the daughters of friends. I saw them as women who were smart, confident and independent, with aspirations for every success. Yet they preferred a marriage that was arranged for them by their parents. No other choice There was no choice but arranged marriage for women in my mother's generation.

She saw my father only once before she married him in My grandfathers arranged the meeting in the north Kolkata house where my mother was raised.

Ma was summoned into the living room for my father's father to inspect. He approved of the prospective bride. Ma had a degree in economics and was an accomplished singer. She was asked to sing at that meeting and, as I've heard the story, my paternal grandfather was taken with her voice.

But perhaps more important, Ma came from a high caste family of good repute. After that one encounter, my mother was committed to spending the rest of her life with a man she had just met. Since then, Indian society has changed considerably. Globalization flooded the nation with Western goods -- and ideas. Younger women today are far more open in their outlook than were my mother and aunts. Even arranged marriages have changed among urban, middle-class families.

Parents still introduce men and women to each other, but they are usually given time to get to know one another before an engagement is announced. I grew up in India at a time when most of my cousins and friends were open to arranged marriages. But once our family immigrated to the United States, my father never pressured me to marry a man of his choosing.

And that is the way I wanted it. I could not comprehend making a life commitment to someone I did not love. That was decades ago. I couldn't understand why young women today were not more insistent on entering a "love marriage. Rapid cultural change Part of the complexities in Indian society stem from the rapid-fire changes the country has experienced. Historian Ramachandra Guha argues that India is undergoing not one but five revolutions simultaneously: All at once and at warp speed.

Imagine the tension between centuries-old traditions and the torrents of change. Still, marriage the old-fashioned way seems to be enduring. She expected that Western influences had wrought change, but she was proven wrong. Even though women are surrounded by ads and movies promoting love -- obsessive, forbidden, impossible love that defies all societal expectations -- Indian society is still not ready for all that, Flock says.

Women are testing the boundaries," Flock tells me. About caring, duty and sacrifice. An arranged marriage is based on a premise of permanence. It's not based on love that someday might fade, but rather a contract that needs to be fulfilled. And if a woman is lucky, says Ishita Bhargave, love might show up along the way.

Bhargave, 26, has been married for less than two months. She earned a degree in civil engineering and was working full time for a construction firm in Ahmedabad before she gave up her job to move with her husband to suburban Delhi. She describes herself as very liberal and told me love marriages are trendy. But such a marriage was not for her.

Even when she was working, she remained at home with her parents. Most Indian boys and girls don't flee home when they turn Instead, they develop into young men and women under their parents' wing. It makes sense then, Bhargave says, that she trusted her parents to look out for her. It's too much trouble to find the right person. She tells me she had a boyfriend once. She liked him a lot but quit seeing him after her parents told her: She would like them to introduce her to a suitable groom.

She trusts her parents more than herself when it comes to making such an important decision. I ask her about the qualities she's looking for in an ideal husband. And he's got to have money. That last part is very important for Naina. I know for a fact that if there is financial strain, even if you love the guy, it will be hard to make the marriage work. An arranged marriage is convenient.

It's like hiring someone for a top government job and knowing exactly what you're getting. The vetting is done before anyone signs on a dotted line. And it spares the woman from blame in case the marriage goes sour. She tells me she knows women and girls who are sexually active before they are married. But that is still taboo. But in India, if you want to date someone like that, it has to be a secret," she says.

I ask Naina what she thinks about the way things are done in America. I can't imagine living like that," she says. It's one thing to know about it; another to live it. What about falling madly in love with the man of your dreams? The kind of love in the romance novels she reads and movies she watches that make her swoon over handsome guys and lose herself in fairy-tale notions of relationships.

But I am sure I will like him enough to say 'yes. Naina tells me that happiness comes from within -- not from a new handbag, a vacation or even a relationship. I would sure hope I do, but it won't kill me if I don't," she says. Love is only a small component to a successful relationship, she says.

First comes stability Flock, the author, followed the three Mumbai couples for her book because she admired them. She thought they might provide answers for marriage that have eluded Westerners, including her own father, who has been divorced three times. What she found is that though arranged marriages may still be the norm, women in India have developed more of a desire for companionship.

They were really pushing boundaries, while outwardly they were saying, 'Of course I am going to have the marriage my parents arranged. I am going to do what my mother did. But in the end, her parents persuaded her to enter an arranged marriage. She now wants her daughter to do the same. Flock says she was shocked by what Parvati told her: She believed the old ways were better; that she would have experienced instability and uncertainty had she married for love.

But from our conversation, I gather she's still holding out hope that the old ways of doing things will not stand in the way of her dreams. Maybe then, she says, the novels she reads and the movies she watches will start to make sense.

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African american love mr relationship right search sex young

I spoke with a few on my most recent trip there and discovered that they, despite exposure to liberal ideals, have held firm to traditions I thought would have fallen away by now. I was surprised by conversations I had with my cousins and the daughters of friends. I saw them as women who were smart, confident and independent, with aspirations for every success. Yet they preferred a marriage that was arranged for them by their parents. No other choice There was no choice but arranged marriage for women in my mother's generation.

She saw my father only once before she married him in My grandfathers arranged the meeting in the north Kolkata house where my mother was raised. Ma was summoned into the living room for my father's father to inspect. He approved of the prospective bride. Ma had a degree in economics and was an accomplished singer. She was asked to sing at that meeting and, as I've heard the story, my paternal grandfather was taken with her voice. But perhaps more important, Ma came from a high caste family of good repute.

After that one encounter, my mother was committed to spending the rest of her life with a man she had just met. Since then, Indian society has changed considerably. Globalization flooded the nation with Western goods -- and ideas. Younger women today are far more open in their outlook than were my mother and aunts.

Even arranged marriages have changed among urban, middle-class families. Parents still introduce men and women to each other, but they are usually given time to get to know one another before an engagement is announced. I grew up in India at a time when most of my cousins and friends were open to arranged marriages.

But once our family immigrated to the United States, my father never pressured me to marry a man of his choosing. And that is the way I wanted it. I could not comprehend making a life commitment to someone I did not love. That was decades ago. I couldn't understand why young women today were not more insistent on entering a "love marriage. Rapid cultural change Part of the complexities in Indian society stem from the rapid-fire changes the country has experienced.

Historian Ramachandra Guha argues that India is undergoing not one but five revolutions simultaneously: All at once and at warp speed. Imagine the tension between centuries-old traditions and the torrents of change. Still, marriage the old-fashioned way seems to be enduring. She expected that Western influences had wrought change, but she was proven wrong. Even though women are surrounded by ads and movies promoting love -- obsessive, forbidden, impossible love that defies all societal expectations -- Indian society is still not ready for all that, Flock says.

Women are testing the boundaries," Flock tells me. About caring, duty and sacrifice. An arranged marriage is based on a premise of permanence. It's not based on love that someday might fade, but rather a contract that needs to be fulfilled. And if a woman is lucky, says Ishita Bhargave, love might show up along the way. Bhargave, 26, has been married for less than two months. She earned a degree in civil engineering and was working full time for a construction firm in Ahmedabad before she gave up her job to move with her husband to suburban Delhi.

She describes herself as very liberal and told me love marriages are trendy. But such a marriage was not for her. Even when she was working, she remained at home with her parents. Most Indian boys and girls don't flee home when they turn Instead, they develop into young men and women under their parents' wing.

It makes sense then, Bhargave says, that she trusted her parents to look out for her. It's too much trouble to find the right person. She tells me she had a boyfriend once. She liked him a lot but quit seeing him after her parents told her: She would like them to introduce her to a suitable groom. She trusts her parents more than herself when it comes to making such an important decision.

I ask her about the qualities she's looking for in an ideal husband. And he's got to have money. That last part is very important for Naina.

I know for a fact that if there is financial strain, even if you love the guy, it will be hard to make the marriage work. An arranged marriage is convenient. It's like hiring someone for a top government job and knowing exactly what you're getting. The vetting is done before anyone signs on a dotted line.

And it spares the woman from blame in case the marriage goes sour. She tells me she knows women and girls who are sexually active before they are married. But that is still taboo. But in India, if you want to date someone like that, it has to be a secret," she says. I ask Naina what she thinks about the way things are done in America.

I can't imagine living like that," she says. It's one thing to know about it; another to live it. What about falling madly in love with the man of your dreams?

The kind of love in the romance novels she reads and movies she watches that make her swoon over handsome guys and lose herself in fairy-tale notions of relationships. But I am sure I will like him enough to say 'yes. Naina tells me that happiness comes from within -- not from a new handbag, a vacation or even a relationship.

I would sure hope I do, but it won't kill me if I don't," she says. Love is only a small component to a successful relationship, she says. First comes stability Flock, the author, followed the three Mumbai couples for her book because she admired them. She thought they might provide answers for marriage that have eluded Westerners, including her own father, who has been divorced three times.

What she found is that though arranged marriages may still be the norm, women in India have developed more of a desire for companionship. They were really pushing boundaries, while outwardly they were saying, 'Of course I am going to have the marriage my parents arranged.

I am going to do what my mother did. But in the end, her parents persuaded her to enter an arranged marriage. She now wants her daughter to do the same. Flock says she was shocked by what Parvati told her: She believed the old ways were better; that she would have experienced instability and uncertainty had she married for love.

But from our conversation, I gather she's still holding out hope that the old ways of doing things will not stand in the way of her dreams. Maybe then, she says, the novels she reads and the movies she watches will start to make sense.

African american love mr relationship right search sex young

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