A few kisses, some swipes at her breasts, and many men are ready to do the nasty. Men rush intercourse for several reasons: Slow down, and then slow down even more. In addition, to make ordinary sex great, widen your focus beyond intercourse to the whole body. The entire body, every square inch, is an erotic playground. Women get rightly annoyed when men explore only a few corners. Some women are ready to get down immediately, but the large majority require around 30 minutes of warm-up time before they feel open to genital play.
During those half-dozen songs, kiss her, cuddle close, and run your hands gently all over her—except between her legs. Fondle her ears very erotically sensitive. Caress her neck, arms, and shoulders, areas where many people store chronic tension. Run your hands up and down her back. Massage the backs of her knees. And massage her feet. Foot massage is remarkably relaxing, and deep relaxation is a prerequisite for great sex. Continue caressing her for six or seven songs—or more.
Whole-body massage is the bedrock of great sex. The skin contains two types of nerve fibers, P and C. The P fibers, for pain, react to bee stings and stubbed toes. But the C fibers, for caresses, respond to gentle, massage strokes by producing deep relaxation, sensual pleasure, and erotic arousal. In addition, whole-body massage helps men.
It spreads the excitement beyond the penis, and that helps men raise firmer erections and last longer. The program that sex therapists have developed to teach men reliable ejaculatory control includes several elements, among them: If you receive erotic touch only on your penis, you may not be able to handle all the attention and, wham, you come before you want to. For seven songs, gently massage each other everywhere but between the legs.
To learn more about ejaculatory control, read my e-booklet, The Cure for Premature Ejaculation. Do the Opposite of Porn Parental talks, school sex education classes, and Internet searches may provide useful information, but when it comes down to getting down, most men get most of their sex education from pornography.
The evidence shows that it does not. But porn deserves to be criticized for another reason. With a billion pages available for free on the Internet, porn has become the leading sex educator of men—and it models sex all wrong. Porn is 90 percent genital—overwhelmingly fellatio and intercourse. In other words, porn is all about the genitals and vastly under-emphasizes extended, playful, mutual whole-body massage.
Women complain that men discount foreplay and rush into intercourse. Genital play is certainly part of sex, but as I just explained, elevating sex from blah to great involves a shift away from genital preoccupation to the whole body. If you enjoy watching the Roadrunner tricking Wile E. Coyote into chasing him off a cliffs, go ahead, enjoy yourself. For great sex, do the opposite of what you see in porn. Instead of the porn ratio—5 percent gentle, mutual whole-body touching and 95 percent fellatio and intercourse—flip it to around to something like 60 percent whole-body massage and 40 percent genital sex after seven songs.
Not Your Penis, Your Tongue Ever since the late s when Alfred Kinsey compiled the first scientific survey of how Americans get it on, one finding has been confirmed and reconfirmed literally hundreds of times. Compared with men, women have much lower rates of orgasm. Men climax during around 95 percent of erotic interludes, but for women, depending on the study, the figure is only 50 to 70 percent. Why do so many women have trouble working up to orgasm?
Emotional complexity may contribute, but the sex research is clear. The clitoris is located outside the vagina, about an inch above it, beneath the top junction of the vaginal lips. Intercourse can be great fun and many women love it. Every time you make love with a woman, provide gentle, extended oral sex.