You're not quite sure how — or when — it happened. You used to have so much fun in bed, but suddenly your sex life just isn't what it used to be. Even when you do work up the energy, sex feels so The excitement, even the passion, are MIA. The thing is, you like sex — a lot. And you love your partner. These moves will make sex hotter, happier, and just plain sexier. The next time you're at the store or in the gym, take a look around you at all the attractive women who are a variety of shapes and sizes.
There is no one ideal. Then ask your partner what he loves about your body, and write it down. Read the list every morning. At least once a week, stand in front of the mirror naked and focus on your favorite features — your toned arms, your firm butt, your gorgeous breasts.
Touch each part and say aloud what you like about it — this will help to reinforce your feelings, says Berman. Make the mind-body connection. Think about those moments in your life when you feel completely in tune with your body. Maybe it's after you finish a long run — your blood is pumping and you're relaxed and exhilarated. Or perhaps it's when you do yoga and achieve a mind-body meld.
Chances are, this doesn't happen often enough. To reestablish the bond, do something that makes you feel good in your skin at least once a day — treat yourself to a massage, go apple picking with your kids, wear the jeans that give you an ego boost the minute you slide them on. It's extreme, yes, but highly effective. That's because when you tell yourself you can't have something, you want it even more.
The same is true in the bedroom — especially if you and your partner have been together for a while and sex has become automatic. Instead of focusing on the end game, learn to enjoy the sensuality of sex. Tease yourself — and him.
Get undressed, dim the lights and take turns exploring each other's bodies. This will help you reconnect with each other on a whole new level. Hold off if you can! Add a few thrills. After a few years together, it's easy to get lazy in bed. But you both deserve better. Research shows that new and adventurous activities may stimulate the brain to produce dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in sexual desire.
Do something daring outside the bedroom and dopamine levels may skyrocket — along with your sex drive. Challenge your guy to a heart-pounding activity like rock climbing or white-water rafting. Tell him how to turn you on.
Put your hand on top of his and guide him in how you want to be touched — including how much pressure to use. When you're ready to move on to oral sex, or to bring in a few sex toys, speak up. When you're stressed out, it's impossible to feel sexy. That's because when a woman experiences chronic tension, her body produces higher levels of oxytocin, a chemical that cancels out the effects of the sex hormone testosterone. As a result, your libido takes a nosedive.
Recharge your sexual batteries by doing things that let you break free from your hectic everyday life, says Berman. Play a CD that reminds you of your college days and sing along. Splurge on something you'd normally never buy — like platform pumps — and wear them for a girls' night out. When you're relaxed and feeling good about yourself, sex will start to seem within the realm of possibility again.
Make the first move. A recent study at the University of Virginia found that the leading predictor of a woman's marital happiness was the level of her husband's emotional engagement. If you two are spending quality time together, you're happy. But when you're feeling disconnected, your relationship and your sex life suffer. You need to feel close to him to be inspired to make love, and he often needs sex to feel close to you, explains Berman.
How to break the stalemate? Make the first move, says Berman. When you give him a little gratitude, it's a huge bonding moment for him. Turn chores into foreplay. Even in this enlightened age, women still spend about an hour more each day than men on household chores and childcare.
No wonder we're not in the mood — we're tired! Research at the University of Washington shows that when men pitch in around the house, their wives are much more likely to be satisfied with the relationship and to want more sex. The next thing you know, he'll be pushing past you to wipe the counter, change the kitty litter, and unload the dishwasher.
You know it's good to escape — from work, the kids, the dust bunnies — and concentrate on each other. If you can't head off for the weekend, go out to dinner instead. But mix it up a little: Pick a place you've never been and order a dish you've never had. Better yet, visit him at work. Seeing him in a place that doesn't have anything to do with you will reveal a different side of him and reconnect you with the person you fell in love with.
The secret to the best sex ever If you need another reason to exercise, consider this: Working out is a great way to boost your sex life. It also gets you in the mood by reducing stress and boosting your self-esteem. Working out gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment, says Berman. Weight training and Pilates, which force you to focus on your muscles and your form, are especially good for this.