I don't know why it happened it just did, however I don't feel abused, manipulated or hurt. I thought the experience was amazing because i'd never had sex before, however I also now feel very conflicted.
I need advice and someone to talk to, please don't freak out or post hate. I've had a hard time off of my best friend for this already. I just feel like this whole situation is really weighting me down. I've been seeing a therapist for about 3 years now. She's kind, caring and supportive. Everything a good therapist is I guess. We share a lot of common interests in things such as sports, history and anything artsy. Over time we began to get closer as i began to trust her more and more.
I soon identified how similar we are in interests and no doubt she did too. I was 17 at the time I met her and I am now 19 as of when writing this post. She is in her 40's however I don't know an exact age. She doesn't look anything over the age of late 30's though. Anyway as time went on I began to see a number of hints and suggestive things she'd say or do. One of the most forward during our second year together was that she opened the door to let me into her office and was not wearing a bra under a revealing top.
I could see a lot of her cleavage and as we were talking she lean forward, which gave me a better view of her breasts. I at the time was totally shocked and shamelessly got a boner that was probably as clear as day to her under my jeans. No doubt she saw this, however i just looked at the floor and tried my best to avoid looking at her out of feeling so uncomfortable.
She saw i was looking at the floor so stretched her leg out across the table close to me, it all felt in a very seductive manner. When i looked up i could actually see her nipples were showing like she'd pulled up her breasts on purpose. I saw them but felt very nervous and didn't know what to do so i looked at the floor and carried on talking to her anyway.
I didn't mention what was happening at the time and neither did she, we carried on talking as if nothing was happening although I knew there was something going on. When i looked up she had put her breasts away, but i could still see her cleavage, she asked if something was wrong and when i finally plucked up the courage to say yes she started asking what was wrong as if it was all in my head.
I was so stupid at the time and naive, i'd never been in a relationship with a girl never mind date one. I'd also never seen a girls breasts up close before never mind a fully grown woman's. At the time after that I just assumed I was suffering "transference" and that she is just behaving totally normally and that I'm seeing into things that aren't actually how they're meant to be.
My head was riddled with questions such as "what if she's just doing it by accident? I had spoken to people online about my therapist's behaviors before and they said it was in my head and a thing called transference where you see things that aren't really there.
I assumed this whole situation was in my head and that none of it had actually really happened. It wasn't until this year I realized that my suspicions were right all along and she was actually trying to make me fall in love with her. The moment this year I knew my beliefs were actually true was when she asked if I wanted to learn how to do yoga in order to help with my depression. Apparently being active is good for depression and although i like watching sports, i never really take part in them.
In her office we had a sort of yoga session where she instructed me of what to do and how to do it. It had a lot of bodily contact and touching and she felt my muscles as I did things apparently to "help" me get the right form.
She got me to do hip movements which were pretty much just me thrusting towards the floor, it felt very strange, but i trusted her anyway because she was doing it too and acted like it was normal. She also got me to do positions where i poked my butt out and i remember her grabbing my butt and when i asked her not to she laughed and said she's just making sure the muscles are in the right place and asked me if i'd ever done yoga before.
Because she said that i thought what she did was normal as I had no idea what yoga was and thought that the touching was normal. It wasn't until she asked me to do couples yoga and she actually asked me to thrust onto her when I knew everything i was thinking was true. It was a complete turning point in my head, a total shift in mindset where I knew all my beliefs, thoughts and feelings about the whole situation were exactly what I thought they were.
She was doing this all on purpose and at that moment I knew exactly what she wanted for all this time. I remember in my head the racing of thoughts as everything began to piece together it felt like a huge relief because for years i assumed i was just crazy or had issues, but this was proof it's not just me. This is where a lot of people will probably be mad or even sickened by me.
As if i wasn't stupid enough to work out for myself what was going on to begin with, when i did finally work it out, i still did what she asked. We then began touching more and more as we did the "yoga" and then she said it was getting hot so we should take our clothes off whilst smiling at me.
It felt all so right and I really wanted to do it because I'd never had sex before and all the touching we did made me really want to have sex with her.
She just acted really seductively and things went on from there. I feel lonely, empty and dull. I've never had much social interaction with anyone before, never mind have sex with a girl. I've always felt different and like I was unlovable to anyone in the whole world and when such a caring, understanding and perfect woman asked me to have sex I felt like I couldn't say no. I felt amazing afterwards and she even told me I was a good lover for a virgin. I was her last session in the day and the offices were empty so we just spent the time talking with one another after that about the different sexual things we wanted to do with one another and sharing our fantasies we wanted to act out in real life.
It honestly felt invigorating, however when i told my best friend she said it was messed up. My feelings were so positive about it, but other people react so badly, it makes me doubt if my feelings are important or even viable. In all this sex and pleasure I cant help but feel things are not right. I don't know if she just sees me as a sex toy, or if she sees me as a person she sees a future with. She has a husband, a lot of money and a fancy house.
Pretty sure she has an amazing life. But then there's me with no future, no money and crippling depression. Why would anyone ever love that? I feel like I've already shared too much, maybe more than I'd ever tell someone face to face. I just need somewhere anonymous to tell the world about this.
I feel like i need to talk to someone, however if i was to try they'd probably reply very negatively to this. The internet is a better place to discuss it because on the internet i can just disappear afterwards without feeling judged or ashamed.
I guess i just need someone to speak to me and give me advice. I don't hate my therapist, in fact i like her a lot. I just don't know what to do now.
We haven't spoken face to face in a week and it feels like all we text about now is about our next session, but it's never about therapy anymore it's just about the "yoga".
I don't feel as depressed when i have her in my life, however the complexity of the whole situation makes me feel conflicted on what to do. I am rambling so much about this sorry, i just needed to get this all out somewhere, if you read this far thank you for reading my pathetic situation.