The question our readers ask us most frequently is how to help their partners become more sexually open. Usually, they want to interest them in swapping of some kind. Forget about sex — how do you get the boss to give you a raise?
How do you get your kids to try harder at school? How do you get Donald Trump to give up on that ridiculous comb-over? When we embarked on our sexual adventure, I had some pretty strict boundaries concerning what I was game for. So how did that happen? Everybody wants wonderful sensations. Everybody wants to make their partner feel happy. The problem when it comes to sexual matters, however, is that we so often put limits on our pursuit of those good things. We Created a Safe Place Before we ever got to the bedroom, my man created a safe, emotionally supportive environment for me.
He never tired of listing the many non-sexual things he loved about me. He told me frequently how beautiful I was and how much I turned him on.
He emphasized that he wanted to grow sexually WITH me, not apart from me, and that he only wanted to move forward on these adventures if I was fully on board. My husband made sex a treat for me and never let me forget why I love it.
No need to rush to intercourse. He would build anticipation until I was begging him to put it in. Lying together in the afterglow was when I was most receptive to talking about sex, and least likely to feel defensive or threatened.
He would ask me to describe my fantasies; then he would talk about his. We would generally keep it imaginary, though. This was, surprisingly, where I struggled the most. Initially, he did most of the talking and asked me questions. After several months of that kind of talk, I began to feel more comfortable and engaged more in the conversation. It sounds counter-intuitive, but sex can be very individualistic.
We close our eyes and get into our own heads, but this kind of fantasy sharing is all about getting comfortable with being connected and open with each other during sex. We Considered the Possibilities Once the sexual connection was open and very secure, then we started talking — just talking — about expanding our sex lives beyond our own bedroom.
We read articles, studied research, and watched lectures on non-monogamy. We spent hours discussing what we had read or seen. He would ask if there was anyone I could imagine bringing home — maybe a celebrity who could never be an actual possibility so it was all theoretical. He would bring up the idea during sex. He would point out people at the mall who he would like to see me with not who HE would like to be with, because that could be threatening.
These conversations were all a long way off from full-swap, but I was thinking about the idea of sharing in the abstract, which gradually brought me closer to thinking about it more concretely. We read about local clubs and found that they were, in many respects, just like any other club where you could have a drink at the bar and get sweaty dancing to top 40 hits. We went and quickly discovered that swingers were just regular people.
Sure, a couple women took their tops off and got on the pole, but I felt no pressure to join. I, of course, was curious about what went on in the back, and we had already decided that we were not going to touch anyone else, so I felt safe enough to check it out. We had to take our clothes off to visit the playroom, but I could wrap myself in a towel.
We talked about it on the way home and again that night during sex. He reminded me of the scenes we saw and of the way it turned us both on.
Rather than trying to influence me in his own words, he put us in a setting where other, regular people could influence me through their actions. We Went on Vacation Finally, he suggested he treat me to a beach vacation in Jamaica.
We looked at pictures of Hedonism II and read reviews online. He made sure I felt safe when that single guy started getting a little too close in the hot tub, and he knew how to wrap up a conversation with an aggressive couple that was getting a little weird.
By the end of the third day, I was the one suggesting we get it on with that couple from the foam party. The transformation was complete: As I read back through this, I realize it sounds like my husband had a master plan to get me to do what he wanted.
Not only is he simply not that smart sorry, baby! The key to this gradual paradigm shift was that I never felt coerced or manipulated. Basic desires that already existed within me were allowed to blossom because we found ways to ease my fears about negative consequences. The pleasure will sell itself.