Luxury Sex Machines As a jaded and weary Internet denizen, you have no doubt on occasion bumped into tales of the fuck chair. In theory, it's certainly a noble concept: Do you like dongs?
Just sit here and boom! Stupidity and sex don't rule each other out, a scientific fact that we know, given that anti-vaxxers tend to have children. Continue Reading Below Advertisement It's just that when someone takes a good look at something stupid and says, "Hey, I should totally make a Ferrari version of that! Luxury Sex Machines "For that kind of money, that thing had better fuck me Unfortunately, most of those places are mountains of madness and valleys of absurdity.
You'll notice that it is designed for not one but two users. If you're wondering about the logistics: One lies down and the other one straddles the high part. And no, they aren't really able to touch each other at all. However, none of these awesome technological feats even attempt to answer the real question, which is: Continue Reading Below Advertisement Absurd and amusing as they may be, I can kind of see the point of a single-person motorized sex chair. If you have money to burn and feel like getting one, more power to you.
But why would you want a chair meant for two, assuming you don't produce highly specific niche porn on your off time? Sure, sometimes two people might want to have it at once, but even then, why on earth would your first or any course of action be to fire up a massive piece of dick furniture, the very design of which prevents any intimacy between the two partakers?
If you're that detached about sex, why bother with the other person in the first place? Continue Reading Below Advertisement Even if you somehow manage to reach a situation where the two-person fuckchair is the only logical course of action, how exactly do you introduce it in the proceedings? There's an art to introducing sex toys into the agenda, and it's one thing to exchange a few words and reach for the bedroom drawer, and quite another to pause, walk up to the giant thing in the corner of the room, and do this: You know you're onto a winner when the model demonstrating your product gives the audience a "look, it's a paycheck" shrug.
Continue Reading Below Advertisement There's no way a healthy bonin' session can go on after that without someone getting maced. You knew what you signed for, and it's too late to back away now.
As most longtime Cracked readers know, the history of the world can be divided in two parts: The time before my fellow columnist Felix Clay irrevocably stained the world with his knowledge of drilldos and fucksaws , and the chaos that has presided ever since.
But while most people reacted to the news that people are actually cutting their genitalia wide open with misapplied power tools with the exact, cringing terror one would expect, a few of us were all: