Looking to spice up your bedroom antics? First you have to warm it, which you do by filling the bathroom sink with boiling water and setting the Fleshlight into this makeshift pond like a giant vaginal tadpole. It was a bit like holding the baby from Eraserhead. Undeterred, I brought it through to the bedroom and inserted the dangly pink sheath into its moulded plastic case, all the way to the hilt.
Despite feeling faintly ridiculous, I had to concede that the business end looked damn realistic. It looks, perhaps unsurprisingly, exactly like a vagina.
It feels realistic too, I thought, as I ventured a couple of fingers inside. As I probed around, I started to realise I was getting pretty turned on. What can I say? I like going down on girls.
It turns me on. So I started leisurely tonguing the labia, and working my way round to the clit. Once there, I gave it a soft slow sucking, before running the edge of my tongue up and down the slit. I was incredibly hard. Lubing up the respective organs with a water-based gel as directed, I lay back and pushed the Fleshlight onto myself. It was at this point I realised why the time heating it in the sink was well spent. At the risk of stating the obvious, it feels like penetrating a woman.
I worked away with it while letting my mind wander. One great benefit is that it feels the same whatever angle you push it in, while it can also be rotated to offer another sensation. Before I started, I had checked user guides on the net, one of which suggested a number of alternative styles, mostly revolving around finding a place to jam the Fleshlight so you can go at it hands free.
Imagination and indecent exposure laws are your only limits. Everything else is fair game. But what of the orgasm itself? The choice is yours — and yours alone. The Swing Sex in bed is all well and good. But sometimes you want to elevate your lovemaking to a new level. Sometimes, you just get the urge to suspend your partner from a door with a pair of lacy straps.
Setting up the swing is surprisingly simple — throw the two straps over the door, close it, add water, and you have an instantaneous swinging sex contraption. But then the question arises: How the fuck do we get her up there? Precisely how to get your partner into a pair of straps, hanging more than a metre off the ground, is a mind-boggling challenge. The sex makes it all worthwhile, provided you get the height right. With the optimum height, the angle of entry is always ideal.
Without all the unnecessary movement, it provides you with the stamina of a horse. How the fuck do we get her down? The Egg As it was partly my idea for us to test out sex toys and publicly humiliate ourselves, I was game for just about anything. It just never occurred to me that my task was going to be so public. With masking tape in place to secure the contraption to the top of my Suez Canal, and with my friend Homer in charge of the remote, I was ready to go. For the first test we headed to Azure.
I walked to the other side of the room and started chatting to an unsuspecting woman while Homer raised his glass and grinned as the egg started to buzz. The initial sensation was just annoying, like mild hay fever.
Only none of that happened. Being seduced by Von Teese is never a bad thing, but I had expected more. Back at the table, I dropped it on the floor and got Homer to turn it up to the max. So what was intended to be a public orgasm turned out to be four hours of public foreplay. Then again, it did prime for the long night ahead.
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