Is there anything a Christian husband can do about this? Christian Husbands — let me be crystal clear here. The situation I am addressing in this post is not your wife occasionally turning you down for sex even with a bad attitude, as opposed to for health or other legitimate reasons.
Let me also be clear to all the haters this includes liberal Christians who reject the Biblical view of male headship in marriage, as well as the Biblical teaching of the right of sex, and responsibility of sex in marriage: It is impossible from a Biblical perspective for a man to rape his wife.
In two previous posts in this series I addressed these key issues: Neither the husband, nor the wife have to earn sex in marriage. A wife cannot flatly refuse her husband, she may only ask for a delay a raincheck and then she needs to make good on that raincheck as soon as possible.
A husband ought not to feel guilty for having sex with his wife when she is not in the mood if she yields, even grudgingly. If her reasons are legitimate, then she needs to seek medical or psychological help as soon as possible. Now in this post we will talk about how to handle the sexual refusal of a wife when it is because she has a wrong attitude and wrong thinking about marriage and sex. But what about the husband refusing to have sex with his wife?
This is an absolutely ridiculous notion as it goes against the entire context of the passage. The entire point the Apostle Paul was making is that husbands and wives may NOT deprive one another of sex, unless they both mutually agree to a cessation of sex for a limited time.
In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But each has his own gift from God, one person in this way and another in that way. His concession or opinion is about celibacy. He is prefacing the statement he is about to make as his opinion — that he wished everyone could be celibate like he was as there are many advantages to serving God as single person.
But he realizes that celibacy is a gift God has only given to a chosen few, while the rest of men and women ought to marry. Know the battle you face, before you get into it The advice I am about to give you Christian husband will require courage. The advice I am about to give you will require you to show your wife tough love.
Let me be clear on something, even if you do follow the steps below I give, this does not automatically mean you will get a change from your wife, or her repentance for her sexual immorality. And yes my friend it is sexually immoral for a wife or husband for that matter to deny their spouse sexually unless they have a legitimate physical or mental health grounds for doing so. Most people think of sexual immorality as only someone having sex outside marriage pre-marital sex, adultery, incest, homosexual sex.
But remember that when something is immoral, that means it is sin, and we know that sexual denial in marriage is sin, therefore it is accurate to call willful sexual denial in marriage an act of sexual immorality. I had a Christian man email me once asking if he should tolerate an affair his wife was having for the sake of saving his marriage. He had confronted his wife about it, but she told him she could not give up her lover, and she told him she loved both he her husband and her lover and she needed time to consider both relationships.
The counselor invoked the story of the prophet Hosea whom God told to marry a promiscuous woman and then left him and he had to go and get her back. Israel never did come back and later God said he gave her a letter of divorce. In the same way men are often counseled by Christian counselors, Pastors and marriage books to simply tolerate their wives sexual denial — which is just as immoral as if she were to commit adultery.
They told to talk to their wives and pray for their wives — which is good advice. I am here to tell you there is something more you can and should do.
Now that you know what you are fighting against you need to know what this fight might cost you. It may end with her walking out and possibly divorcing you. You must be prepared to do what is right, no matter what the cost. First understand this — sacrificing yourself for your wife, as Christ sacrificed himself for the church does not mean toleration of this kind of sin on the part of your wife.
He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. He sacrificed himself to make us holy, to conform us to his likeness, and his Word. As I said in previous posts — God wants sex in your marriage, your desire for sex in your marriage is not a sin, but rather it is a gift from God. You need to pray very hard and make sure you are doing the right thing.
You need to confess any bitterness you have toward your wife over this issue before you can confront it. Perhaps there are some other wrong ways you handled it, things you have said or done that need to be confessed to God, and perhaps even to your wife if it directly affects her. Biblically speaking the husband is the spiritual authority in his home and he has the Biblical obligation to FIRST attempt to discipline his wife as she is his responsibility.
Only when he has exhausted all forms of discipline and she remains defiant and divorce is looming should he approach a counselor to act as a witness to her sin. Christ said this about confronting a brother or sister that has sinned against you: If he listens to you, you have won your brother. If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. This assumes you have already on several occasions tried to speaking gently to her about this issue. You have tried time and time again to find out if there is anything you can help her with, and anything you can do different.
This assumes you have ruled out health problems, and or other mental problems and she simply has a stubborn and willful attitude toward sex in marriage and she does not think she needs to change. Step 2 — Stop taking her on dates or trips If the brother or sister in Christ who sins against you is outside the authority of your home then you would go to witnesses next. But since your wife, like your children, is under your direct authority — you have a Biblical obligation to discipline her first before taking this outside of your home.
These next 4 steps use the two types of discipline that a husband has at his disposal. Stop taking your wife to her favorite restaurants. Stop taking her out to those movies she wants to see. I am not saying to stop talking to your wife, or ignore your wife, as that is not an option for a Christian husband. But your wife does not have the RIGHT for you to take her on dates or trips — these things are a privilege that you may remove at any time.
Step 3 — No unnecessary household upgrades Ordinarily, I am all for a husband funding things like new furniture for the house, or new paint for the walls.
What you need to do as a husband is, unless it is a true family need, and not just an upgrade to something — Do not allow it. Step 4 — Stop doing the little extra things You know those dinners you cook, or that vacuuming you do, or those things that really she should be doing for herself, but you have simply been trying to be nice and doing for her — STOP doing them.
Stop giving her those nice back and shoulder massages she loves so much. Step 5 — Remove her funding This step may only work if you wife does not have her own income.
Stop giving her pocket money. Change your bank account so her ATM card becomes worthless. Cancel your credit cards. If she does have a job, stop paying for anything in her name and make her pay for any credit that is in her name. The Bible only requires that you provide her with food, clothing and shelter. It does not say that food and clothing has to be the fancy kind she likes to get. If your wife has not repented and changed her ways after you these first five steps, you are sure to have a very angry and defiant wife.
The little bit of sex there was in your marriage is most likely completely gone. At any one of these points, your wife could have threatened to leave, or has already already left. You may be separated or in divorce proceedings. But I want you to understand something, it is not your responsibility to keep your wife in the marriage by any means necessary, and certainly not by giving in to her willful, rebellious and sinful behavior.
The Apostle Paul writes: A brother or a sister is not bound in such cases. There is no sin here for you as a Christian husband to simply let her go, you are no longer bound and are free to marry another woman. Step 6 — Rebuke her before witnesses If she is still defiant after you have tried all forms of Biblical discipline with her take her to a Christian marriage counselor so they can serve as a witness to her sinful defiance. Step 7 — Bring her before the Church If bringing her to a counselor does not shake her defiance after you have tried all other forms of discipline then bring her to your Pastor and his wife to have her sin confronted by church authority.
If she is defiant to them then she needs to be expelled from the church. What if none of these 7 steps work? If your wife remains willfully defiant, yet she has not left you, it could be for a variety of reasons.
She may not want to lose how she lives with you and she knows that after a divorce her lifestyle will be severely affected, and she does not want to deal with the consequences of divorce. Perhaps she may have some genuine care for you left as well as your children but she simply cannot see the error of her ways and will hold out indefinitely with the hope that one day you will fold and give her back the money, the dates, the trips, the house hold upgrades and she will not have been forced to change her ways.
But you have a final step you may take, one that you need to pray long and hard about before you do. You have the option to divorce her for her sexual immorality. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Eventually he had to divorce Israel as nation, but he fought long and hard to bring her back to him, and we owe our wives and our marriages this fight.
Those who oppose this type of confrontation will accuse me of advocating that men manipulate their wives into having sex with them more. But what these same people would fail to understand is, there is a big difference between manipulation, and discipline. Manipulation is when someone who is an equal like a friend, a coworker, a fellow student…etc. A union strike is a form of manipulation. Sometimes manipulation is just pure retaliation. Discipline, on the other hand is very different from manipulation.
Discipline is performed by one who is in authority over one who is under their authority. It is action taken by an authority to attempt to modify the bad behavior of the subject of that authority so that they will behave correctly in the future. True Biblical discipline should never be done out of a spirit of retaliation or revenge.
And just to be clear — I am NOT advocating for husbands to beat their wives,smack them around, or physically abuse them in any way. There are forms of discipline that are not physical.